Saturday, April 10, 2010

this is hard

i'd like to lodge a formal complaint with the universe. 2010 has been really, really lousy thus far.

honestly, this is the hardest life has ever been for me. there have been scarier times. there have been lonelier times. there have been poorer times. but nothing has been this personally difficult.

a dear friend of mine just said, "With the weight of the world on her shoulders you would never hear a complaint from Anna Montgomery.......
(on the contrary, she would be trying to do something for you or for someone else!)." God bless her, that is very, very true. usually. today, i decided...i want to complain (for once...and very very loudly) THIS SUCKS. A LOT.

i am tired of shouldering it all. i am tired of hearing all the whining around me. i am weary of pleading. i am worn out from the worry. i am sick of taking the higher ground. i am SO over this year. and only 8 months to go.

since January, i have been single-parenting more often than not. i have been bullied professionally (yeah, BULLIED...you know who you are), i have been made to feel unsafe in my home and online, i have been ignored by medical professionals, i have been terrified of losing my daughter to some unnamed disease that is slowly eating her alive, i have been insulted by *customers* who are not-so-subtly doing the bidding of someone else, i have been afraid that i am not strong enough to bear this alone...and i am angry at having to do so.

i am working 20 hour days...and barely putting a dent in all the stuff piled on my *to-do* list. i am exhausted.

and just when i think things are manageable, my cats slaughter 6 baby bunnies in my backyard.

so there you have it. my formal complaint. please, please, please, universe, i need something wonderful right about now.

6 comments:

Renee•Candy Stick Lane said...

Anna, I am SO sorry! I dont even know what to say except I love you....ALOT! XOXO

Lorene said...

But you are doing the very best you can. And through it all, your child(ren?) are so very lucky to have you in their corner. For me, 2009 absolutely was THE worst year of my life (and the two years preceding it weren't that great either!) But knowing that my little ones were counting on me, helped me to plod along...while I reminded myself ad nauseum that "this too shall pass." My sympathies are with you.

Toni said...

I am not eloquent but I can send you love in the form of thoughts and imaginary hand holding from afar. I will tell you a secret, I had an urge while making the Bird to pray that she would be an instrument of blessing to your daughter. I almost felt dumb to be holding the unattached quilted wings in my hands with tears in my eyes and a prayer sort of stuck in my throat. I do not know what to say to Him half the time but I knew I wanted to intercede on your loved child's behalf. She has healing written on the underside of her wings, it made me think of the song where we sing,"there is healing in His wings...", I guess I am done.

Ally said...

Life sucks sometimes. As someone who was always taught to share her sweets when she was little, it came as a huge and horrible shock to discover in adulthood that bad luck and horribleness isn't shared around and sometimes it seems as though the people who really don't deserve it, get the worst deal.

Saying I know exactly how you're feeling at the moment isn't going to make things any better for you. All I can tell you is that awful times like this will make the good times, and yes, there will be good time again, feel even better. In the meantime, keep strong, but not so strong that you can't admit it when you really are at breaking point.

Hugs and loads of positive thought being sent your way...

Jackie said...

Oh Anna...my heart goes out to you...!! Please feel comfort in knowing you have so many people to support you and help you in anyway we can. It is OKAY not to be the strong one all the time!!! I am praying that you finally get answers for Helen. ((HUGS))and prayers continue....you are a sweetie and I feel so bad that all of this is happening to you!!!!!

guurrrl said...

I hate that you are going through all of this. I'm sending ((((hugs)))) your way. Sometimes I feel when everything feels like its going to pieces something really special is in store. Positive thoughts all headed your way!