Wednesday, April 14, 2010

angel eyes

so, on Saturday, i wrote what i believed to be an incredibly whiny post(yes, Aunt Christine and Uncle Tom, i hear you when you say i have to work on my complaining ability, but i'll save that for another day). so many of you have responded...i am blown away. the love and support that has flown to me across the 'net has been almost overwhelming, and i am grateful to you for it. your words have been a blessing to me...and to my little girl who has cherished all the well-wishes and prayers you have offered. thank you!!!

we finally were able to visit her specialist on Monday, which was a bit of a relief, and now i am faxing all manner of paperwork and release forms from here to California and Alabama and back again. this gastroenterologist does not want to repeat tests unnecessarily...and for that, too, i am grateful. i have great expectations of this man. i have made sure he is aware of them. i pray he doesn't disappoint.

a bit vexing is that all the things i'd believed were ruled out as a diagnosis for Helen are back on the table. big, scary things: cystic fibrosis, crohn's disease, celiac disease...those are just the three i remember at this moment. there are other monsters out there, i've just forgotten their names.

Helen ~ 9 months

when Helen was born (a week post-due and terribly traumatically) she was different from my other babies. she was present. older. aware. she had this piercing gaze and fierce determination...working so hard to hold her head up even in our recovery room. her eyes were captivating. you could see her sagacity at 2 days old.

i loved her immediately, with a fierceness that startled me. i knew her...had known her my whole life and felt a piece of me come home the day they released her from my womb.

Helen ~ 5 years

today, Helen is a self-assured, comfortable-in-her-skin 5 year old. she's wise and a manner that belies her age. she knows exactly who she is (i envy that), and she knows exactly who you are as soon as you meet. when her Goddaddy met her for the first time(she was 4 months old), he insisted on riding next to her carseat so he could lock eyes for the hour and a half drive from the airport. later, he confessed, "i had to. i couldn't look away...i know she sees me when she looks into my eyes. i could feel her see my soul."

Saturday, April 10, 2010

this is hard

i'd like to lodge a formal complaint with the universe. 2010 has been really, really lousy thus far.

honestly, this is the hardest life has ever been for me. there have been scarier times. there have been lonelier times. there have been poorer times. but nothing has been this personally difficult.

a dear friend of mine just said, "With the weight of the world on her shoulders you would never hear a complaint from Anna Montgomery.......
(on the contrary, she would be trying to do something for you or for someone else!)." God bless her, that is very, very true. usually. today, i decided...i want to complain (for once...and very very loudly) THIS SUCKS. A LOT.

i am tired of shouldering it all. i am tired of hearing all the whining around me. i am weary of pleading. i am worn out from the worry. i am sick of taking the higher ground. i am SO over this year. and only 8 months to go.

since January, i have been single-parenting more often than not. i have been bullied professionally (yeah, know who you are), i have been made to feel unsafe in my home and online, i have been ignored by medical professionals, i have been terrified of losing my daughter to some unnamed disease that is slowly eating her alive, i have been insulted by *customers* who are not-so-subtly doing the bidding of someone else, i have been afraid that i am not strong enough to bear this alone...and i am angry at having to do so.

i am working 20 hour days...and barely putting a dent in all the stuff piled on my *to-do* list. i am exhausted.

and just when i think things are manageable, my cats slaughter 6 baby bunnies in my backyard.

so there you have it. my formal complaint. please, please, please, universe, i need something wonderful right about now.